Space Pirate: A Story [Part 4]

By Darth Nat 2004

Part IV: Phazonic Wet Dreams

The elevator swiftly descended to the deep innards of Tallon IV. It made a metallic grinding as its rusted runners touched against the long poles that the elevator ran on. Four figures stood on the elevator. Two stood in silence, simply waiting until the elevator would reach its destination. They knew where they were headed, and they really weren't looking forward to it. The other two, well, they weren't taking the trip too well.

Private First Class Zorbak and Sergeant Slobberjaw were too busy losing their lunches all over the floor of the elevator to think about where they were going or what they were in for. It is debatable that they even had a realistic idea what they were in for. You see, the reason they were on that elevator was this...

<insert fancy flashback visual and sound effects>

It was a few days earlier. Slobberjaw, Zorbak, and the rest of the Space Pirates in lab Hydra were going about their usual business. Slobberjaw was busy working on a puzzle that he had received from home a couple days earlier. Suddenly, he exclaimed "I think this puzzle is missing a piece!"

Blurgar walked over to the desk, and picked up the puzzle's box. He slowly read the label on the box. "Zoo...animal...puzz...puzz...puzzle! Ages three and up. Contains...five...pieces." He set the box down and looked at the table without much interest. "Let me count the pieces," he said as he stuck his fingers up in the air and began to count with them. "One...two...three...four. Yeah, looks like you're missing a piece to me."

"Well, what am I gonna do about it?" Slobberjaw asked.

"I've got an idea," Blurgar said. In one motion, he pulled out a laser blade typically used by Shadow Pirates, and sliced the largest piece in half. "There, now you have five. Learned that trick while putting together that 100 piece puzzle of mine."

"Gee, thanks!" Slobberjaw said happily, and he returned to putting the puzzle together. However, when he realized that his new piece didn't seem to fit, he shoved all the pieces into his mouth and began to chew furiously.

Suddenly, the door to the lab hissed open. In flew a pirate with a rather large rocket strapped to his back and a large bag over his shoulder. He landed in the middle of the lab, and he turned off his jetpack and lifted the goggles from his eyes. He reached into his large bag and pulled out a few computer disks. "HERE'S YOUR MAIL!" he shouted loudly.

"Thanks," Slobberjaw said, spewing puzzle pieces across the room as he took the disks from the mail man. "New to the job?" he asked, since he had not seen the Pirate nor his large jetpack before.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the mailman shouted. "I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL AFTER USING THAT JETPACK FOR A WHILE! YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!"

"DID YOU JUST START!" Slobberjaw yelled.

"BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT I DID NOT JUST FART!" the mailman yelled. "MUST'VE BEEN ONE OF YOU GUYS!"

"NO! ARE YOU NEW!" Slobberjaw yelled again.

"SORRY, I DON'T KNOW A SUE!" the mailman replied. "I GUESS I'LL GET GOING, GOT LOTS OF MAIL TO DELIVER!"

"Alright, just don't-"

"BYE!" the mailman shouted as he fired up his rocket and went screaming through a door at the other end of the lab with a resounding "YAAAAAAR!"

"-go through that door," Slobberjaw finished. "It's just a storage closet..."

Suddenly, the door to the closet opened again, and the mailman staggered out of it, pieces of glass beakers sticking in him and a mop handle impaling his mail bag. "I THINK...I'LL JUST GO OUT THE WAY I CAME IN..." he stuttered. "YAAAR!" he shouted with less vigor than before as he turned his rocket on again It sputtered a little bit, and he shot through the door.

Slobberjaw stood in astonishment for a moment, then quickly ran to the nearest computer to check the mail. He popped the first disk into the computer, and the image of an old, wrinkled Space Pirate appeared on the screen. "Hello Shnookums, it's mommy. Now why haven't you been writing to us? Your father and I have been worried-" Slobberjaw ripped the disk out of the computer and looked around to make sure none of the other Pirates had heard it. He quickly shoved the disk into his mouth and began to chew furiously.

After he had swallowed the disk so that it would never be found by his colleagues, he slid in the second disk. A message popped up on the screen. It said the following:

Dear soldiers:

We need a few good men. Unfortunately, all we have is you. Therefore, Corporal Slobberjaw and Private Zorbak will receive promotions to Sergeant Slobberjaw and Private First Class Zorbak and will be reassigned to the Phazon Mines.

General Drivel

Slobberjaw excitedly called Zorbak over to the computer. "Look!" he cried. "We're being promoted and sent to the Phazon Mines! I hear all kinds of exciting things happen there!"

In no time at all they found themselves on the elevator leading down to the Phazon Mines, along with two other Pirates who were reassigned from lab Aether. They had been on the elevator for what seemed like an eternity, and they were not enjoying the ride.

The elevator finally came to a halt with a loud slam. The four Pirates walked out along a metal catwalk above a glowing, pulsating blue substance. It crackled and popped, and bubbles rose from it. The substance mesmerised the Pirates, and they watched it with great curiosity as blue electricity shot along and trough it. At the other end of the catwalk, the door opened and a studious-looking Pirate stepped through it, holding a clipboard in hand. The four Pirates hardly noticed him until he loudly cleared his throat and said "You are Sergeant Slobberjaw, Private First Class Zorbak, Corporal Gudger, and Master Sergeant Zuhrg, right?"

Looking up from the blue substance, the Pirates nodded in affirmation. "My name is Lieutenant Burch. Follow me," he said, and the Space Pirates fell into a line behind him.

"Sir, what is that blue stuff?" one of the Aether Pirates asked.

"Zuhrg, is it?" Burch asked. The other Pirate nodded. "It's Phazon." He offered no further explanation.

"What is Phazon, sir?" the other Pirate, presumably Gudger, piped in.

"Beats me. They never tell the grunts anything." The Lieutenant had reached the door, and it slid open in front of him. A large industrial complex rose above them. "Welcome to the Phazon Mines," he said in a flat tone.

The Pirates stepped out into the deep orange sunshine that bathed the mining complex. They walked along the brown, rocky soil to another metal catwalk, and entered another door. They found themselves in the heart of the complex. Computers lined the walls, and several samples of the blue Phazon were encased in tubes in the middle of the room.

"Let me give you a brief overview of the facility," Burch said dryly. "This is the command center. Here," His voice suddenly rose, "we do our friggin' work all friggin' day, sometimes well into the friggin' night! And what do we get for it?" He kicked one of the computers, which teetered for a moment, and then promptly fell over onto his foot. "GAH!" he yelled in pain.

Zuhrg quickly ran to Burch and lifted the computer off of his foot. "Is something bothering you, sir?" he asked. Slobberjaw thought he was just being a suck-up.

"You're damn right something is bothering me!" Burch said angrily. "Let me show you boys something." He stormed into a storage closet, and emerged carrying a large box. He let the box hit the floor with a loud thud, and he pulled something from the box. "All I've ever requested was some supplies. Food would have been nice. What does this look like?"

The Space Pirates examined the object for a moment. "T-shirts?!" they exclaimed at once.

"Yes, t-friggin'-shirts!" Burch continued, holding up one of the shirts. Printed on the front were the words "I Brake for Cheese". "Let me ask you: how are you supposed to live off of t-shirts?" He pulled another shirt out of the box, and it had "Phazon Kills. Spread Truth not Lies" written on it. "Eat them? Believe me, we've tried. And they don't taste good at all." He threw the shirts back into the box.

Suddenly, a door across the room opened and in stepped a tall, lanky Space Pirate. On his head was what appeared to be a wide-brimmed cowboy hat, but one side was turned up and fastened to the top of the hat. A long cigar was sticking out of his lips, and he blew a few puffs of smoke from the corner of his mouth. He wore a tacky leather vest over a t-shirt that said "Kiss me I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing toward the collar. "Oh, that's Captain Hogie," Burch said. "He'll be your guide to the Mines."

"G'day, mates!" Hogie said heartily. "You blokes ready to blow this servo?"

Slobberjaw leaned over to Zorbak. "What did he say?" he whispered in his ear.

"I don't know," Zorbak whispered back.

"Crickey, don't just stand around like dills!" Hogie yelled. "Blimey, you yobbos act like you're quid."

The others fell in line behind him, with the exception of Burch, who remained in the control room so he could complain about the t-shirts some more to the next group of Pirates who might wander through. They left the control room, and round themselves standing in front of a hover-mini-van. "Ain't she a beaut?" Hogie said. "She cost big bikkies, but I think she's ace!"

"Uh, yeah..." Corporal Gudger said with some confusion.

"Bloody right!" Hogie laughed. He lit up another cigar and stuck it in his mouth. "Care for a durry, diggers?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so..." the Pirates said.

"Crickey!" Hogie exclaimed. "We're gonna be late if we keep this up! Come along, blokes!" They piled into the van, and Hogie started up the engine. They lurched forward, and began to descend into a dimly lit cave. A rather odd smell came to their nostrils as they descended deeper into the cavern. "Okay, who opened their lunch?" Hogie said.

The Pirates looked at one another in confusion. "What!?" they said in unison.

"Haha!" Hogie laughed. "Just messin' with you bogans! Ya don't have to get mad as a cut snake about it! The smell's that Phazon stuff. Stuff's not worth a zack if you ask me."

"What exactly is it?" Zuhrg asked curiously.

"It's fair dinkum bull dust," Hogie said. "Not got a bloody use in the world. They just tell us diggers 'Don't sniff or eat it!' and that's it, mates."

They were now traveling through a tunnel rich with Phazon. Large, glowing mushrooms grew from the substance, and their rich texture and size enticed Slobberjaw and Zorbak. Suddenly, they noticed a small creature floating around near the van. It looked gelatinous, and a tentacle hung from its main body.

"Blimey! Lookie there, blokes!" Hogie exclaimed. "That's one of them Hunter Metroids! I've heard about them, but I've never seen one!" He fidgeted in his seat for a moment, and suddenly he cried out "Crickey! I just gotta catch one of 'em!" He leapt out the window of the van, and grabbed hold of the Hunter Metroid.

The Pirates watched in awe as he grappled with the creature. "I didn't know the tentacle on the Hunter Metroid was that long!" Zuhrg said.

"Did he just tie it into a knot?" Zorbak asked quietly.

"No, I think he's strangling it with the tentacle," Gudger said.

"Jeez, did he bite it?" Slobberjaw said. He glanced over at the driver's seat of the hover-van, and noticed the no one was driving. "You know, no one is driving the van," he said nonchalantly.

Utter chaos erupted in the van. All four pirates scrambled at once toward the steering console. Suddenly, in the height of the confusion, Captain Hogie came bursting through a window with a Hunter Metroid wrapped around him. "It's alright, blokes! All under control!" he yelled. "Could someone give me a hand for heaven's sake!" Zuhrg and Gudger shoved Slobberjaw and Zorbak toward Hogie, and all three went flying out the window.

---

Zorbak slowly regained consciousness. His head was spinning, his eyes glazed over, and worst of all, he had this horrid ringing in his ears. As he came to, he realized that the ringing was actually someone screaming. He saw a brown blob not far from him, but his eyes were still trying to focus. He could finally make out what the screaming was about. "Help! Get it off! Get it off! It's sucking on my brain! Oh God! I can't see! It's sucked my eyes out! AHHHHHHH!" the voice cried out. Zorbak's eyes finally came into focus, and he saw Slobberjaw, a corny wide-brimmed cowboy hat with one side was turned up and fastened to the top of the hap lying over his face, screaming like a maniac.

Zorbak staggered to his feet. They had fallen into a deep canyon and landed on a small gray slab of rock. The blue Phazon substance surrounded the platform, and it bubbled and crackled menacingly. Zorbak walked over to the hysterical Slobberjaw, and removed the hat from his face. Slobberjaw laid motionless for a few seconds. His eyes suddenly popped open and darted around for a moment. "I'm saved!" he cried.

"It was just this hat," Zorbak said as Slobberjaw rose to his feet.

"Oh, I knew that all along," Slobberjaw said sheepishly. "Just trying to test you, you know, see how you would handle the situation. Yeah..."

"Whatever you say, sir," Zorbak said. "But where's the Captain? His hat is here, but he isn't."

"Dunno, don't care," Slobberjaw said. "Couldn't understand a bloody thing that came out of that bloke's mouth. Crickey! I'm even starting to talk like him!" Slobberjaw rammed his head against a rock outcropping. He staggered away from it, and said "There...better..."

"Which way should we go, sir?"

"Err, that way!" Slobberjaw exclaimed, and took off up the cannon, presumably in the way they had came. Zorbak followed closely behind him. They jumped from rock slab to rock slab, making sure not to fall in the Phazon.

Slobberjaw suddenly stopped. "Say," he said, "I wonder what's so bad about this Phazon stuff?" He began to stick his foot toward the blue goop.

"I really don't think that's a good idea, sir," Zorbak said.

"Let's find out!" Slobberjaw said, sticking his foot into the Phazon. A look of intense pain came over his face. "OW OW OW OWWWWW!" he cried, leaping around like a one-legged kangaroo who has been kicked in the pouch. "It burns! It BURNS!" He hopped around the rocking platform screaming, yelling, and holding his poor foot until he suddenly tripped over a rock jutting out of the floor. He fell down with a crash near the edge of the platform, his face hanging over the edge.

Something remarkable happened while Slobberjaw was lying there, his nose just inches from the deadly Phazon. Now, remember what happened to Lieutenant Jones? Slobberjaw has a bad habit of doing exactly what he shouldn't. So, against his better judgment, he took a deep whiff of the Phazon. He rose from that rock with a new outlook on life. He could hear the birds singing, people laughing, and the flowers blooming. It was a wonderful time to be alive!

He suddenly found himself on the dance floor in a disco parlor. The psychedelic lights were flashing about from a disco ball that was hung from the incredibly high ceiling. He suddenly noticed that standing before him was the most beautiful female Pirate he had ever seen. He danced over to her and said "Hey baby, let's get our groove on!"

Zorbak watched as Slobberjaw fell after tripping over the rock. He came inches of falling into the Phazon. Zorbak started to go to his aid, but he rolled over after a few seconds and rose to his feet. He staggered around a bit, looking around with a dazed, yet happy, look on his face. He staggered up to Zorbak, and, dribbling a little, he said in a slurred voice "Hyoo buie les gyeth arroof ob..."

She was even more beautiful up close than when he had seen her across the room. He had to touch her! He reached forward to touch her, but she jumped back. "Playing hard to get, eh?" Slobberjaw said. He made a pass at her again, but she slapped him with her pocket book, which felt as if it had been filled with a block of steel. Slobberjaw fell to the ground once more, but he wasn't about to let that stop him!

"Sir! What the!?"

Zorbak leapt away as Slobberjaw tried to wrap his arms around him. The only response he got to his exclamation was "Plubbin herb bu gyeth ehhhh..." Zorbak realized that he had to stop him! What would the fellows back at Hydra say if he let the Sergeant hug him? He noticed a rock small enough to fit in his hand but large enough to hurt like a ton of bricks lying beside him. Picking it up, he slugged Slobberjaw, hoping that it would cause him to snap out of it.

Suddenly, Slobberjaw was no longer in the disco parlor. He was in the middle of a beautiful field. And in front of him stood a rather large, cuddly Metroid. Now, Slobberjaw loved Metroids. He loved them so much that he felt an incredible compulsion to huge them to death. "METROID!" he cried, and took off running towards it. The Metroid took off ahead of him.

Zorbak was running as fast as he could, jumping from platform to platform, carefully avoiding the Phazon. Slobberjaw was slowly gaining on him, and he didn't know how much longer he could run! But alas, there it was! The Phazon Mines command center was in view! He poured on the last bit of speed he could muster. He ran up a metal catwalk leading out of the canyon, and he burst into the command room.

Slobberjaw just couldn't seem to catch the Metroid. He was slowly gaining on it, but it was still well out of reach. However, he began to notice that the bright sunny day was becoming more and more partially cloudy, and the Metroid was starting to bear a striking resemblance to Zorbak. He ran over a hill that started to look a bit like a metal catwalk.

Suddenly, Slobberjaw found himself in the Phazon Mines control room, and instead of being joyous and happy, he was rather tired and gloomy. Zorbak stood in front of him, panting and staring at him as if he was a maniac. Burch stood off to the side, staring at the two in confusion. Slobberjaw tried desperately to think of something to say. "Man," he mumbled, "that Phazon stuff is wack."

Silence.

"Man," he said again, "that Phazon stuff is WACK."

Zorbak continued to stare at him with a bizarre look.

"Man," Slobberjaw said, "that Phazon stuff is- Say, I'm kinda hungry." A t-shirt flew through the air and silently landed on Slobberjaw's forehead. Without another thought, he grabbed the shirt, shoved it into his mouth, and began to chew furiously.