Space Pirate: A Story [Part 5]

By Darth Nat 2004

Part V:

All was hushed around the large table in the middle of lab Hydra. The Space Pirates of Hydra were involved in a heated game of Moons & Metroids against their rivals from Aether and some Pirates from the Phazon Mines. It was Aether's turn.

Slobberjaw leaned over to Blurgar and whispered, "Is he ever going to roll?"

"I don't know," Blurgar responded quietly. "I hope he doesn't attack. Last time he incapacitated Private Gurg with that twenty-sider."

"I don't think he's very fast, if you know what I mean," Slobberjaw said. "What did they say his name is again?"

"They call him 'Omega Pirate' or something like that."

"More like SLOW Pirate if you ask me," Slobberjaw said, laughing at his awful joke. Blurgar gave him a very lame look.

The Omega Pirate fidgeted with a fifteen-sided die. He looked from the die, to his character sheet, and back to the die. With a puzzled look, he put the die back in the cup of dice. Slobberjaw and Blurgar breathed sighs of relief. The Omega Pirate pulled a baseball-sized fifty-eight sided die out of the cup. Slobberjaw and Blurgar gasped. With a mighty wind-up, the Omega Pirate hurled the die across the table.

Slobberjaw was in shock. He could kill someone with that huge die! Slobberjaw looked around to see the others' reactions, only to find that he was the only person who wasn't underneath the table. He heard a crash, and looked ahead only to see a baseball-sized die coming right at his forehead.

---

Slobberjaw woke up in the lab Hydra infirmary. Blurgar, Zorbak, and Glormoth stood at the end of his bed. "Wha? What happened" Slobberjaw stuttered.

"You got hit by a die," Blurgar said nonchalantly.

"Oh yeah. That Omega guy throws one mean die," Slobberjaw said. "And what was with you guys hiding under the table and not giving me any warning?"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better," Blurgar responded, "The table collapsed on us after the die ricocheted off your head, lodged itself up the Omega Pirate's nose, causing him to fall on the table."

"Oh. Any injuries?" Slobberjaw asked out of curiosity, not concern.

"Just one," Glormoth said, and he suddenly burst into tears and ran from the room.

"What's wrong with him?" Slobberjaw enquired.

"Larry," Blurgar began, "was injured during the fiasco. Luckily, the Omega Pirate's belly button landed on him, and he fit quite snuggly into it. We had to melt him a little to get him out, though. He'll be fine."

"He just isn't the same!" Glormoth wailed from outside of the room.

"He'll get over it," Blurgar added quickly. "Anyway, you've been out cold for two days now. I think you should be able to get up."

Slobberjaw slowly rose from his bed. "Ouch, it feels like a Queen Metroid laid her eggs between my eyebrows," he complained.

"Eh, you'll get over it," Blurgar said, and he walked from the room. Zorbak smiled and nodded, then followed Blurgar from the room.

Slobberjaw, now on his feet, slowly began to walk towards the exit to the room. His head throbbed painfully, but he assured himself that he could get over it. Suddenly, he slipped on the floor, and gravity began to slam him toward the cold, hard ground.

And he had an epiphany.

What if his entire life was dictated by the mistakes of others? Was he just a victim of circumstances stuck in a cataclysm of increasing madness that he could never escape from? Was a higher power, in a few moments of extreme incompetence, inadvertently screwing him over at every turn? What if everything really wasn't his fault?

His life flashed before his eyes, from the very, very beginning. He saw his parents in the back of a speeder van making love. It was the moment of his conception. Heck, even his being in this world was the direct result of a mistake! Albeit, a mistake he was rather grateful for, but a mistake nonetheless!

And suddenly he found himself viewing a critical moment in his life. It was a moment where he had to make a split decision, and he had debated whether or not he had made the right choice many times since. All the failures of his life could potentially be attributed to this one moment! If only he could describe the tension and fear he felt as he heard those fateful words: "Paper or plastic."

How could anyone have prepared him for such a decision? If he chose paper, he was using up valuable trash can room as well as using the carcasses of who knows how many trees as a mere container for groceries! How could he live with himself if he made that choice? On the other hand, if he chose plastic he was sacrificing the incredible biodegradability of the paper bag in favor of a potentially environmentally harmful plastic bag! What if a Geemer got stuck in that bag? Could he look at himself in the mirror if such a tragedy occurred? In the end, he had gone with the plastic.

But now he realized the truth! It was that damn bag boy's fault! He could see his sinister, pimply face in his mind, and he felt nothing but contempt for it. Life thought it could outwit him by conspiring with that freckled little freak, did it? Well now he knew! He knew the whole sordid truth! And he cursed the super market industry for not offering a wholly environmentally-friendly, low-volume alternative? It was this corruption, which ran to the highest levels, which had formed his life into what it was at that very moment!

And what was more important was how utterly ridiculous his military career was! A Space Pirate corporal? Pah! He was nothing more than cannon fodder and he knew it! And the higher-ups, they were all corrupt dogs! The lot of 'em! Now he realized it! That memo! That fateful memo! It had a--

He smacked into the ground with a resounding crack. He lifted himself from the floor. His head was spinning, and it felt as if someone had just dropped Thardus on him. Woefully, his epiphany was replaced with a suddenly incontrollable urge for cabbage.

Slobberjaw hobbled off to the refrigerator, and to his chagrin, there was no cabbage. They had lettuce, but it just wasn't the same. Someone would pay dearly for this!

---

A small, gaudy looking craft rocketed toward the surface of Tallon IV. It was a rather unusual craft, and its archaic look was certainly somewhat odd. It strongly resembled what the people called a "car" from back in the Dark Ages. Regardless of its appearance, the ship was remarkably resilient and had made it through Tallon IV's atmosphere and was now preparing to land near a small, frozen laboratory.

Trailing behind it was a small Federation vessel with two Federation soldiers in it. Two small jets attempted to fire on the bottom of the ship to slow the descent, but only a few sparks emerged from the pits. The ship landed with a loud crash in a snow drift about fifty feet from where the ship it was following had come to a soft landing. For a moment, everything was silent. Then, the snow drift began to shake a bit, and two men popped out of the top.

"Chester, what did you do to the rear jets?" Ralph asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Chester fumbled with his hands nervously. "Well, you see, I needed a few parts for-"

"Forget it, I don't even want to know," Ralph sighed. "Look over there!"

The hatch on the small, gaudy ship they had followed opened, and a gangly, stupid looking creature climbed out. It weaved almost drunkenly up to a large, metal building. It stood in front of the glowing blue door for a few moments, and then the door slid open to reveal...

"Space Pirates!" Ralph and Chester cried as they leapt behind the snowy bulk of their starship. They peered over the top of the icy mound with morbid curiosity.

"We've landed outside of an enemy base!" Ralph cried, almost excitedly. "Do you know what this means, Chester? If we can take out this base, we might get a promotion! I could finally get my own desk!"

"Well, Ralph," Chester began, "I kinda think we should, you know, get the heck out of here."

"Don't tell me you're scared!" Ralph exclaimed.

"Remember what Marty said?" Chester answered. "Them Space Pirates are killers! They have big teeth, beady, yellow eyes, claws that can cut you open with a touch!" Chester began to imitate the creature he was describing, baring his teeth and curly his fingers up into claws. Ralph gave him a sarcastic look. "And... And remember what happened to Jim! They brought him back from Zebes in an ashtray! Albeit, a nice, mahogany ashtray."

"Bah. He walked right into the barrel of that hyper bazooka. And Marty was drunk half the time, and when he was sober, he was stoned."

"Well... uh... I'll wait in the ship." Chester started to dig into the giant snow ball, searching for the hatch. Ralph grabbed hold of his belt and jerked him back. "Aw, come on, Ralph! I don't wanna be brought home in an ashtray!" Chester cried.

"Quiet! Hey... you've just given me an idea," Ralph said. "We'll use Project Q on them."

"But Ralph, Project Q was never tested! For all we know, it doesn't even work! I say we should go home."

"But Chester, we need to get parts from that ship. We can't go home yet. So get in there and start Project Q!" Ralph shoved Chester into the snow and crawled in after him.

---

The door in front of the Grugling hissed open to reveal a teary-eyed Glormoth. He sniffed a few times, and after wiping his nose he asked, "Who are you?"

The clumsy-looking creature fumbled around in the right pocket on his brown pants for a moment with one of his three lanky arms, and finally pulled out a small slip of paper. He brought the slip up to his three brown eyes, and began to silently read whatever was written on the card. "Uh... You... or-or-ordeeeered! Ordered... a pi-pi-pi-pi-piz-z-z-a! Yeah, uh, you ordered a pizza, right?" he stuttered.

Glormoth stared at him for a few moments with a blank look. "You don't know anything about what I'm going through!" he cried, running away from the door. It hissed closed menacingly.

The Grugling stood in shock for a few moments, not exactly knowing what to do. He read over the directions on his small slip of paper again, but it was no use. He couldn't cope with these awkward situations. Scratching his head with his third arm, he crossed the other two and thought for a moment. What to do, what to do. Suddenly, he knew! He pressed the button to ring the doorbell again.

A few seconds passed, and the door flew open again. A different pirate stood before him this time. "What is it," Blurgar said antagonistically.

The Grugling began to read his card once more. "You... orrrrda-da-da-ordered! A-"

"Listen," Blurgar interrupted. "I don't care what you're selling, but you interrupted me during my nap." He pointed at the white shorts he was wearing covered in embarrassing heart shapes. "Apparently, my COLLEAGUES don't know how to answer the door."

The Grugling blinked a few times. "But you ordered a-"

"Where the hell is the cabbage?!" a voice yelled from deep in the building. Slobberjaw emerged from one of the rooms branching out from the foyer, saw the Grugling, and exclaimed, "Pizza!"

"Yeah. That'll be... uh... twenty credits."

Slobberjaw reached into a pouch on the front of his uniform and pulled out a small, black box. He dug around in the pouch for a few more seconds and pulled out a gold key. He inserted the key into a keyhole on the box, opened it, and looking inside. He began to remove coins from the box. "Let's see... One... Two... Three... Oooo, a 2-credit piece! Seven... Eight... Twelve... Nineteen... Twenty! Here you go!" He handed the pile of change over to the Grugling.

The Grugling started to count the change, but became frustrated and just shoved the coins into his pocket. "I'll go... get the burger-err, pizza," he said.

As he started for his ship, the ground began to shake, causing him to fall into a large snow drift head-first. "What's going on?" Slobberjaw and Blurgar cried.

Suddenly, a white and blue ship, with a rather shoddy paintjob, burst from a snow drift in front of the lab. The ship began to hover above the white landscape, and the sound of gears turning and chains cranking filled the area. The wings rotated one-hundred eighty degrees and moved to the back of the ship. The rear thrusters shot out and hit the ground so that the ship was now standing on two huge, white columns. The laser cannons on the sides of the ship broke away from the hull and became hinged at the top of the ship. The cockpit contorted in an odd fashion and somehow managed to position itself at the chest of the machine. A tiny robot head popped out of the top of the creation, completing the transformation from shuttle to giant robotic fighting machine! "The Quantum Ultimate Awesome Super Incredible Machine Of Deadly Operations is ready for combat!" Ralph laughed.

"They've got a giant robot," Blurgar said in awe.

"Yep," Slobberjaw said.

The giant robot rose over the landscape weighing in at two-hundred fifty tons and seventeen stories. A large, blue Galactic Federation symbol adorned its chest and the letters "QUASIMODO" were printed on its shoulders. It's gigantic blue thruster feet shook the ground as it walked. One had to wonder how the robot kept from falling over, particularly as it bent down and picked up the pizza delivery ship between two of its huge, metallic digits.

"It's taking our pizza!" Zorbak cried.

"This... This means war!" Slobberjaw cried. "Prepare the DAVE!"

The QUASIMODO lifted the small ship into the air and, opening a hatch on its stomach and shoving it in, captured it. "Now to earn a new rank by blowing this base to space dust!" Ralph cried. Another hatch opened on the front of the robot, and an obscenely large missile poked its head out. The words "NASA: Nuclear & Atomic Super Armaments, Inc." were written across a black banner stretching around the tip of the missile. The robot began to make a low whining as it charged up, but it was interrupted when the ground began to violently shake once again. "What's... What's going on?" Ralph said angrily. "Something's going on! And protocol states that no missiles may be fired when the operator is confused, Section 13 Article 42. Power down the missile..." Chester pulled a lever and the whining ceased and the missile shot back into the robot's torso. The ground continued to quake and buckle beneath them, and they looked on with curiosity and dread as the entirity of Lab Hydra rocketed into the sky, concealing itself with a cloak of snowy white clouds. All that remained was a large crater with several old tires and socks left forlornly in the dust.

Slobberjaw, Blurgar, Zorbak, and Glormoth sat in a control room deep in the innards of the lab. The room was a bit cramped and its campy lighting gave it the appearance of a petite disco parlor. Buttons and dials flashed and buzzed around the station. The room was shaped almost like a triangle, and the Pirates sat at strategic locations. Blurgar was positioned at the right in front of a large viewscreen that took up the wall at the base of the triangular room. Zorbak sat directly in front of the screen at a large computer console, and Glormoth was in the left corner monitoring the robot's power levels. Slobberjaw sat attentively in a large easy chair positioned higher than the other positions at the point of the triangle. The room hummed and whined with mechanical precision.

"Engage the sequence!" Slobberjaw shouted from his perch when the lab was well above the clouds. The room began to shake and hiss as if it were the belly of a living, breathing behemoth. The station clanked and the sound of metal scraping against metal was heard. Gears were heard turning and pulleys squealed from the machine's deep, mechanical organs. This process continued for several minutes with the lab suspended in the air above the planet. Finally, a sound almost like that of a bowel movement was heard, and the base began its descent toward the snowy Phendrana surface. The Pirates watched as the fluffy, white clouds rushed past the viewscreen. The clouds ended abruptly and the viescreen was filled with the image of the barren landscape below. The station, which now shared more in common with a speeding bullet, fired its thrusters, and it began to slow. Finally, it landed gently in the crater it had launched from, standing only a few hundred meters from a rather confused Federation robot. "The Destructive Armored Vehicle of Extermination is ready to... well, exterminate!" Slobberjaw cried gleefully.

Standing before Ralph's robot was an equally impressive black mech. It stood head and shoulders above the QUASIMODO, and it's imposing visage was aided by the various spikes and guns sticking out at random parts of the machine. It was truly an impressive robot that embodied the Space Pirates' brutal philosophies. From what Ralph could gather, the Space Pirate base had somehow transformed into this hulking monstrosity. "Their giant robot is bigger than mine," Ralph sulked.

The two robots stared each other down. It was a destined showdown, a battle to the finish. It would be mano-a-mano in this fight. Ralph gritted his teeth. Slobberjaw wiped sweat from his forehead. The author interrupted the story for a special announcement.

Yes, that's right, folks! A special announcement! It's the moment you knew was coming since the third chapter: the epic battle between the Federation goons and the Space Pirates. So, to commemorate this special moment in the story, two special guests will be joining us! Gary Geemer and John Madden will be giving commentary on the battle and offering insights into the strategies used by the opposing forces. So, onto the battle!

The lights flashed on in a small, smartly decorated room. A large counter filled the foreground, and a large TV set adorned the background. Two objects sat at this counter, and as the frontal lighting came on they were revealed to be Gary Geemer and John Madden, who greatly resembled a poorly-made cardboard cutout.

Gary Geemer, a purple, spiked creature wearing a rather sharp-looking bow tie, rustled a few papers around with his scrawny appendages. He was dressed in a little tuxedo specially-tailored for his... odd anatomy. He glanced up from looking at the papers, and a large, somewhat nervous smile adorned his face. "Hi, welcome to the fight of the century! I'm Gary Geemer! And sitting next to me is my esteemed colleague John Madden! Let's all give him a round of applause!" A half-hearted round of applause is cued.

John Madden sat at the desk without moving, the same goofy grin plastered on his face. A rustling noise came from behind the desk, and the sound of a button being clicked was heard. Another second passed and Madden did not move. Suddenly, "BOOM! Tough-actin' Tinactin!" came from Madden, who did not even flinch or move his lips as the noise came from his rigid form.

"I agree, John," Gary said, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead. "This fight will definitely be one tough act to follow. Let's cut straight to the battlefield and see what is going down there!" The large TV screen behind Gary and Madden flipped on to reveal an image of the two robots facing off.

"Those Feddie scumbags think they can come here and take OUR pizza?" Slobberjaw said angrily. "Well, they can't! When our forefathers established the code of honor that we all abide by, they created it so a Pirate would not be denied of his God-given right to pizza! And by golly, this sacred right is being infringed upon! What would our forefathers think if we let such a sin go unpunished? I'll tell you what they would think! They would be disgusted with us! Disgusted! To think that their own ancestors would let them down in such a way, it is unthinkable! Why, the same blood flows in our veins! Times have not changed so much that we should forget the foundations of our society! Our forefathers, they were..."

"He's just making this up!" Zorbak said to Blurgar.

"Yeah. But you gotta admit, he makes a darn good argument," Blurgar replied. "He was captain of the Debate Team, after all. Always won by default. His opponent couldn't stay awake long enough to respond." Blurgar was interrupted by Glormoth's loud snoring.

"We must rise up, brethren! Rise up against these wicked oppressors! They must not feed from our pizza shops any longer! Is there nothing more sacred than the bond between Pirate and pizza? You know the answer, and it is no! These infidels must pay for this grave transgression! And we shall be the ones who will make them pay! All twenty credits of it! Now we shall-" Slobberjaw was interrupted as a large shell slammed into the DAVE, knocking it to the ground. "Those... Those... Do they have no honor!?" Slobberjaw shouted angrily. "Very well, now the gloves come off!" Another shell shook the robot, totally spoiling Slobberjaw's chivalrous moment. "GRRRRAAAAAH!" he cried, furious. "Prepare to counterattack!"

"Ouch, that had to hurt," Gary Geemer said, crinkling up his face. "DAVE didn't even see it coming."

"Self-praise is for losers," came from Madden after another low clicking noise. Madden made no move and remained in the exact same position he was in when the commentary began.

"That's a very two-dimensional point of view, John," Gary replied. "I think these Federation soldiers have the right to self-praise after that impressive display. Based on what you have seen, what do you think of the Federation team's display?"

The peculiar click was heard again. "With all his tumid boasts, he's like the sword-fish, who only wears his weapon in his mouth," Madden said flatly.

"Those are strong words, John," Gary responded. "Let's see what happens next."

Ralph was rather enjoying pelting the Space Pirate robot with small artillery shells. The shots were coming from two small cannons on both sides of the cockpit. "Let's finish them off," Ralph laughed. "Launch the Big Daddy!"

Chester pressed a large, red button on his computer console. The robot's left arm swung into the air and locked itself into position. The arm pointed right at the downed Pirate machine's chest. The fist on the arm jettisoned with a loud hiss and fell harmlessly to the ground. A laughably-long gun barrel shot out of the hole formerly occupied by the hand, doubling the arm's reach. An internal grinding and clanking was heard as a shell was loaded into the barrel. Ralph's finger hovered over the trigger on a joystick, shaking with anticipation. Suddenly, the words "All clear!" flashed onto the main viewscreen, and Ralph pressed the trigger excitedly. A loud boom was heard, coupled with a smashing and ripping noise. The recoil from the shot knocked the QUASIMODO into the snow on its back.

Ralph sat in silence for a few moments. The main camera pointed toward the snowy sky, and a few flakes collected on the screen before melting. Something is wrong, Ralph thought. "What was that noise?" Ralph asked nervously.

"Beats me, Ralph," Chester responded. "Maybe it was that other robot exploding."

"No, too soon," Ralph mused. "Quick, Chester, get us on our feet!" Chester pulled two levers and the robot climbed clumsily to its feet. "Now, rotate the camera around!" The machine's head pivoted to the right. Everything seems in order there, Ralph thought. The rear seemed fine as well. Finally, the head slowly turned to look at the left side, and Ralph immediately knew something was wrong.

"Where's the arm at?" Chester asked innocently.

"Well poop," Ralph said in a disappointed tone. "They never mentioned THAT in the manual." All that remained of the left arm was a few severed wires that were spitting sparks menacingly. "At least we took the pirates out with that shot." Suddenly, Ralph noticed something else in the camera. A large, egg-shaped shell was resting snugly in the snow at the robot's left. "Crap," Ralph said, and he buried his face in his hands.

Meanwhile, Blurgar had managed to get the DAVE back on its feet. It was now marching slowly toward the downed and damaged QUASIMODO. "Let's show it what we're made of!" Slobberjaw cried. "SPACE PIRATE RIVER DANCE OF DOOM ATTACK!" Blurgar and Glormoth pulled a few levers, turned some dials, and pressed a button with a picture of a pair of clogs on it. The DAVE lept into the air, landed on top of the QUASIMODO, and began to dance awkwardly on top of the robot.

"WHOA!" Gary shouted, pounding his tiny fists into the table. "What an exciting turn of events! The Space Pirate team has caused a turnover, and now they are controlling this fight! Where do you think this battle is headed, John?"

"The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer."

"I agree," Gary said enthusiastically. "This fight as taken a dirty turn! Can the Federation team recover lost ground after this furious assault?"

The DAVE continued to dance on top of the QUASIMODO, beating it into the hard, frozen ground. Ralph and Chester rattled around the cockpit of their robot like two Mexican jumping beans in a tin can being shaken by an alternative dancer. Ralph wished that he had fastened his safety belt as he slammed into the control console, pressing several buttons. The words "Rear-firing missiles activated!" flashed across the monitor. "Crap," Ralph muttered as he was flung against the back of his seat.

"We've got them now!" Slobberjaw cheered as the DAVE continued to clog. Suddenly, the QUASIMODO began to rattle and shake. It burst off the ground with a trail of fire and chipped pieces of blue and white armor in pursuit. The DAVE lost balance and fell into the snow with a loud crash. The DAVE continued to cut through the air, rockets exploding from its backside like leaping, crackling sparks. The robot performed a tight loop in the air, and then launched toward the ground headfirst. It rammed into the snow, skidded for a hundred yards, and stopped as the missiles ceased to fire.

The QUASIMODO quickly jumped to its feet. Its rear armor had been nearly destroyed, and its tender, naked electronics and gears were exposed. Ralph wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "It's time to get serious, Chester. No more fooling around! Let's use the Sound Creating Omni Tubes!"

A plaid-colored metal skirt dropped from the QUASIMODO's lower torso, extending just short of the machine's mechanical knees. A compartment on its side opened and a large bag with several pipes extending from it plopped out into the robot's open hand. Putting one of the pipes up to the robot's face, the most horrible noise imaginable began to be emitted from the bag. The DAVE fell to its knees, putting its arms to its robot ears.

"WHAT A COMEBACK! WHAT A COMEBACK!" Gary screamed twice for emphasis. "From out of nowhere the Federation team has brought the Space Pirates to their knees! What do you think the Space Pirate team will do to retaliate, John?"

No answer came from Madden's still form. A low snoring sound came from below the desk.

"John?" Gary asked with a nervous smile plastered on his face.

Still no answer.

Gary jumped down from his seat and disappeared behind the desk. A thump was heard, and an "Ouch!" The snoring sound ceased. Gary jumped back up into his seat, the same nervous smile still adorning his small face. "What do you think the Space Pirate team will do to retaliate, John?"

The click was heard again. "Tough actin' Tinactin!" Madden yelled.

"I think that's a good analysis, John," Gary said. "Let's find out if you're correct."

"ARGH!" Blurgar yelled, falling to the floor of the control room, holding his ears.

"Make it stoooooooooop!" Zorbak cried.

"I kinda like it," Glormoth murmured.

"We gotta shut that thing up!" Slobberjaw shouted, holding his aching ears. "Fire the Pirate Cannon!"

Blurgar climbed up to his console and slammed a large, red button before falling to the floor again. "Space Pirate Cannon activated!" echoed in the small room. Suddenly, Glormoth's seat went shooting down into the floor, with Glormoth still in it. The floor closed up above him as he slid through a small black tube, getting faster and faster.

"I wasn't expecting that," Slobberjaw muttered in confusion.

A small manhole-sized slot opened on the front of the DAVE, and Glormoth shot out, screaming as he flew wildly through the air. He finally plopped right into one of the QUASIMODO's tubes. The robot sent another blast of air through the tube, but Glormoth was stuck and did not budge. The bag began to quickly fill up with air, and it suddenly exploded, sending Glormoth flying once again. He flew through the air, flailing his arms wildly, until he smacked into the DAVE's kneecap. He slid off into the snow, groaning and moaning loudly before losing consciousness.

"Note to self: the Space Pirate Cannon is a bad idea," Slobberjaw said.

The QUASIMODO had fallen to the ground from the explosion, but it quickly regained its footing. "Alright, Chester, let's give that missile a try again," Ralph said. "We've done enough fooling around. Time to teach those Pirate scumbags who they are dealing with, by cracky! I want that promotion! Let's take 'em out!"

"Uh, Ralph, I really need to-" Chester began.

"Not now, Chester! Just prep the missile!"

But Ralph, you see, there's this issue of-"

"I said not now, Chester! Just fire it!"

"Well, alright. But don't blame me when something happens." Ralph was too busy laughing maniacally to hear him. Chester pressed a few buttons on his console, and the missile popped out of the front of the QUASIMODO once again. The machine began to charge up, and a small pin was pulled from the missile, engaging it. However, the missile did not move.

"What... What's going on?" Ralph asked anxiously.

"Well, Ralph," Chester gulped, "you see, I tried to tell you that... that I had to use a few parts from that missile on the hot tub."

"You did WHAT?!" Ralph screamed angrily. "What parts did you use, Chester? Let me guess, the most vital parts? The explosives, I presume?"

"Well, no, the explosives are fine... I had to use the thrusters for the missile."

"You used the thrusters. YOU USED THE THRUSTERS! Do you realize that we have an armed missile sitting right in the middle of this robot as we speak, and now you tell me it's pretty much stuck there!?"

"Well, I tried to warn you."

"Just shut up! Come on, we're going down to put that pin back in the missile!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Ralph..."

"Either way we're screwed, so just come on!"

The pair climbed out of the cockpit and carefully made their way down to the missile silo. The large missile was bigger than the two men put together, and an ominous humming was being emitted from it. They noticed a large, metal pin lying on the ground next to it. Picking it up, they found the hole it fitted in but their hands were shaking so badly from fearthat the chore was proving quite difficult to execute.

"Calm down, Chester! You're hands are shaking too much!" Ralph cried, obviously frightened.

"Your hands are shaking too!" Chester yelled.

They continued to try to insert the pin, missing each time. Suddenly, the pin snapped cleanly in half. "We're so screwed," Ralph muttered in defeat.

Slobberjaw, Blurgar, Glormoth, and Zorbak watched as a bright flash came from the QUASIMODO, followed by a fiery orange explosion of epic proportions. Bits of the QUASIMODO began to rain down around the DAVE, glistening in the pale light. After a few seconds, a small, junky, car-like spaceship crashed down in front of the DAVE. "Wow," Slobberjaw exclaimed. And victory was declared.

"What an exciting fight," Gary Geemer stated. "I would never have predicted that the Space Pirates would pull that one off, and certainly not with such a finish! Any closing comments, John?"

"The only yardstick for success our society has is being a champion. No one remembers anything else."

"Goodnight, folks," Gary Geemer said. The lights dimmed, and Gary jumped down from his seat and walked offstage. Two men walked onto the stage, picked up John Madden, and sidled offstage with him in their arms.

---

"This is a fine mess you've got us into, Chester," Ralph muttered.

"I TRIED to warn you, Ralph, but did you listen to me? NO!" Chester said in an unusually angry tone.

Ralph backed away from Chester. "Well... how are we going to get out of this predicament?"

The pair were sitting in the middle of a large, flat plateau, blackened and bruised. Surrounding them was an army of sleeping Baby Sheegoths. They were closed in from all angles without any hope of escape short of a miracle. The only piece of equipment they had in their possession was Chester's small coffee maker, which had landed about a foot to their left.

"Well, Ralph, I could dismantle that coffee maker and make it into a rocket we could ride out of here. But then we wouldn't have hot coffee in the mornings."

"Just forget it, Chester. Just forget it."
---
Slobberjaw and the rest of the Space Pirates sat in the middle of Lab Hydra, gathered around a closed pizza box. The robot had transformed back into the lab nearly perfectly. The only side effect was that the lab was slightly rearranged. Slobberjaw still hadn't found the bathroom, but that wasn't important right now. The pizza was.

The moment of anticipation was at hand. Slobberjaw carefully opened the pizza box. A radiant light and angelic choir seemed to erupt from the box. Ever so slowly did Slobberjaw lift the lid to reveal... two slices of pizza with just Sidehopper sauce for a topping?

"WHAT?!" Slobberjaw cried. "What a rip-off. The delivery guy must have eaten it on the way." Slobberjaw sat down and began to sulk. "This sucks. The pizza sucks, Glormoth is in a body cast, and I can't find the bathroom! How can this get any worse?" He cried.

Suddenly, the door shot open to reveal a tall, imposing figure clad in orange armor with a large gun for a right arm.

"Crap," Slobberjaw muttered.