Space Pirate: A Story

By Darth Nat 2004

Part I

As usual, it was a cold day in Phendrana lab Hydra. Nothing overly interesting ever happened at the lab, and the Space Pirates were very happy to let nothing continue to happen. One of the traditional Space Pirate pasttimes was standing around staring into space, and they had perfected this into an art at lab Hydra.

To put it nicely, the Space Pirates were stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Remember how Einstein said human stupidity is infinite? Well, Space Pirate stupidity is infinity to the infinite power plus three. To summarize, a common piece of tree bark could outthink the brightest of Space Pirates. In fact, the Space Pirates were so pitifully dumb that they still hadn't developed a coherent language. If you were to ask a Space Pirate "What is six times seven", for instance, you would probably get an answer something like this: "Grrrrar! Blarg argh grrrrr! Blaaaaaaah grrrraag ARGH!" So, for your convenience, Space Pirate speech will be translated, probably very inaccurately, into English from this point on.

Anyway, lab Hydra was probably the most boring, cold place on Tallon IV. Since little researching actually went on (hey, the Space Pirates are stupid, remember?), the personnel stationed there had to come up with ways of entertaining themselves. For instance, young Private Glormoth had established a fruitful relationship with an ice sickle near the entrance, whom he called Larry. Corporal Slobberjaw had taken up the fine art of composing music to be played using the gastric systems of the body. Private Blurgar had been working on his 100-piece jigsaw puzzle for the last three months, but had yet to realize that 98 of the pieces were derelict. And finally, there was Private Zorbak, who made it his hobby to become the world's finest starer of space.

Private Zorbak certainly was not the pick of the proverbial Space Pirate bean crop. In fact, he was more of the bean that you split open, only to find that there is nothing inside. He was a moron's moron. Every time he had a thought, a galaxy imploded somewhere out there. To understand this poor soul's shear idiocity, let us journey back to the beginning...

In the beginning, there was nothing. Yes, nothing. Then, without much warning, everything imploded, even though there was nothing to begin with. Then, everything, even though it was nothing, exploded, sending little bitty bits of goodness everywhere. Thus, the planets were formed from the explosion of everything, even though there was nothing to explode...

Well, that has nothing to do with how stupid Zorbak was, but that isn't the point. The point is that Zorbak was a blooming moron since the day he was born. When he first came out of his mother's...well, we'll skip that part. Anyway, the doctors were examining the young infant to make sure he was healthy and, if by some freak act of nature, he had a brain larger than the size of a peanut. The doctors peered into his ear using some high tech device that isn't important to the story because I have no idea what it is called. Their conversation went something like this:

"Blimy, doctor, I can't see anything," said Doctor #1.

"Let me see," said Doctor #2, taking the high tech device that isn't important to the story because I have no idea what it is called from Doctor #1. "Hmmm. Wait, I think I see something!"

"A brain?" asked Doctor #1.

"Umm...hmmmmm... Maybe you should have a look at this, doctor."

Doctor #1 pulled out another high tech device that isn't important to the story because I have no idea what it is called and peered into the other ear. "Yes, I think I see something."

"What does it look like to you?"

"I can't be sure, but it looks like an enormous eyeball."

"You dimwit, that's my eye!"

"Oh yeah, I knew that."

"Look harder! Right in the middle. Do you see it?"

"Why, now that you mention it, I believe I do! It looks like...a small corn seed?"

"Yes, that's what I thought too!"

"Curious, very curious."

"Fascinating even."

"I don't know about 'fascinating', more like 'really interesting'."

"Fine, have it your way, it's really interesting."

"That's better. But what does it mean?"

"That he has a corn seed for a brain?"

"Perhaps, perhaps, but we better run a few more tests to make sure."

"But of course, doctor."

The doctors hurried the baby over to a large, clunky x-ray machine, and shoved him into it. With the click of a button, the machine roared to life, and the image of a baby's skeleton appeared on a large screen on top of the machine. The doctors peered at the image of the baby's head. "Yes, that is definitely a corn seed," Doctor #2 said. Suddenly, without warning, the seed expanded and became a slightly large object. "I think we should examine him again," Doctor #1 said, scratching his head in confusion.

The doctors pulled the baby out of the machine and once again peered into his ears using the high tech devices that aren't important to the story because I have no idea what they are called. The doctors looked up and exchanged puzzled looks. The peered back into the infant's ears.

"Is that what I think it is?" questioned Doctor #1.

"If I'm thinking what you're thinking, then yes, I'm pretty sure it is," Doctor #2 replied.

"Popcorn!" they both exclaimed at once.

And that is the sordid story of why Private Zorbak is such an exceptionally stupid ignoramus. He had popcorn for a brain, and it wasn't even buttered popcorn at that.

So months passed, and little to nothing happened at lab Hydra, just like the Space Pirates liked it. Private Glormoth got in a fight with Larry and refused to talk to him until he warmed himself up to his company. "He always acts so cold to me," Glormoth said to the other guys. They finally made up after Larry nearly melted in a freak hair-drier accident. Corporal Slobberjaw composed his latest masterpiece, Ode to Toilet Paper. Private Blurgar had found one of his missing pieces, and was now back to square one on how to assemble his puzzle. Finally, in frustration, he pulled out a laser cannon and destroyed the entire table, puzzle and all. This was about as excited as things got around the lab.

---

It is a known fact that small mistakes often lead to huge disasters. Like a simple pebble rolling down a hill that ultimately starts an avalanche, the most simple errors can cause decades or pestilence, war, or wacky hijinks. If there's one thing the Space Pirates have a lot of, it is mistakes, errors, and all around incompetence.

Take, for example, a Space Pirate official sitting at his computer console typing orders to be sent to the Space Pirate group at lab Hydra. He is typing at a brisk pace with little regard for errors, even though he probably wouldn't recognize the errors if he knew about them, since Space Pirates couldn't spell to save their lives. The letter he was typing read something like this:

<i>Hydra Research Team:

I here the reserch is not progresing quikly. However, ther is something I shuld draw to yur atention. The enemy is coming yur way. Destroy the hunger.

Captan Gloobergab</i>

Now, even though there are numerous errors in the document, one stands above all others: "Destroy the <b>hunger</b>". Whether by destiny or extreme proofreading negligence, the error was never corrected to read "Destroy the hunter", and the message was sent to the Hydra Research Team, which just happens to be our favorite group of moronic Space Pirates.

The Space Pirates at Hydra were involved in their usual pasttimes when a computer in a small alcove of the lab began to make a terrible beeping noise. Corporal Slobberjaw rushed over to the console and pressed a few keys. "Hey guys," he shouted, "it's a message from the Captain!" The others gathered around behind him, peering at the monitor. The Corporal began to read with certain difficulty. "I he...he...hear the re...sear..ch is not pro...gress...progressing quickly. However, there is so...some...something I should draw to your a...atten...attention." The Corporal fell silent.

A few minutes passed of total silence. The Pirates were still crowded around the monitor, each with confused looks on their faces. Finally, Slobberjaw broke the silence once again. "Destroy the hunger!?" he exclaimed. "Um, well fellows, how are we gonna do that?"

"Well, I suppose we should find out if any one of us is hungry," Private Blurgar answered. "So, are any of you guys hungry?"

The Pirates murmered a bit among themselves until Glormoth said "Well, Larry says he's a little hungry."

Slobberjaw rolled his eyes. "Great, we have one hungry ice sickle. How about you, Zorbak?" he asked.

"Well, um, I'm a little hungry," Zorbak stuttered. "I guess I could eat something, you know, just to um...obey orders."

"It's settled, then," Slobberjaw said. "Now, we just have to find something to eat."

And so, the great Campaign to Destroy the Hunger began.